An open letter to young women – How to tell if he “loves” you, or if he loves what he thinks he can get from you. This list is by no means exhaustive, but once you read through, you’ll have a pretty good idea of behaviours and speech patterns that represent love, and those that represent lust.
The simplest way, really, is to take 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and replace the word “love” with his name. If you HONESTLY believe he fits this description, he may in fact, be the one.
4 “NAME” is patient, “NAME” is kind and is not jealous; “NAME” does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 “NAME” does not act unbecomingly [a]; “NAME” does not seek his own [b], “NAME” is not easily provoked [c], “NAME” does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 “NAME” does not rejoice in unrighteousness, rather, “NAME” rejoices with the truth; 7 “NAME” bears all things, “NAME” believes all things, “NAME” hopes all things, “NAME” endures all things. 8 “NAME” never fails…1 Corinthians 13:4-8, New American Standard Version
[a] Not appropriate, attractive, or flattering. adj. Not in accord with the standards implied by one’s character or position
[b] Love is not self-seeking and love does not insist on its own way. In fact, love seeks to serve the object of its affection, rather than trying to get what it can from them.
[c] Angered, enraged, exasperated, irritated, annoyed, or vexed
But beyond the simplicity of God’s own example of the appropriate behaviour of love towards its object of affection, here are a few suggested items that will tell you where his heart is:
- If he encourages you to be closer to your family, he likely loves you.
- If he talks to you about your relationship with God, he likely loves you.
- If he speaks to you like a gentleman, about where he’d like to take you and what he’d like to show you, he likely loves you.
- If he treats you like a gentleman – opening doors, pulling out chairs, bringing flowers, he likely loves you.
- If he speaks to you pleasantly and appropriately, he likely loves you.
- If he doesn’t push you, and you find yourself WANTING to make him happy, he likely loves you.
- If he makes you stop and think and evaluate decisions, he likely loves you.
- If he encourages you to think for yourself, he likely loves you.
- If he’s open and honest with you, he likely loves you.
- If he’s open and honest with your parents, he likely loves you.
These are clear signs that his mind is set on being a man, not a child with animal instincts. This is marriage material, and you should hold on to this relationship to see where it leads.
- If he tries to separate you from your family, he doesn’t love you.
- If he changes the subject or avoids speaking about your relationship with God, he doesn’t love you.
- If he talks to you about what he’d like to do to you, including undressing you and “cuddling” (there is no requirement that clothing be removed to cuddle), he doesn’t love you.
- If he speaks overly sexually, he doesn’t love you.
- If he pushes you but constantly says he doesn’t want to push you to do something you don’t want to do, he doesn’t love you.
- If he encourages you to make hasty decisions involving him, he doesn’t love you.
- If he makes you feel guilty to get you to do things, he doesn’t love you.
- If he is manipulative and sneaky, he doesn’t love you.
- If he encourages you to lie to your parents, he doesn’t love you.
Men with bad intentions know that your adult loved ones know the warning signs, and will, therefore; try to separate you from your loved ones or drive a wedge between you, or try to get you to participate in the deceit so that your loved ones won’t see the warning signs and give you notice of what’s going on.
All these negative (lust) items are clear signs that he only wants to get into your pants. If you buy into it, they will take what they want and be long gone before you ever know what’s happening. Who knows – maybe he’ll stay, and maybe you’ll be another check on his bedpost. Why take the chance? You are worth more than that.
Regardless of where he falls in this spectrum, always remember that a negative plus a positive is still a negative. Doing a couple of things from the love list, and several from the lust list means he DOES NOT LOVE YOU and only loves what he can get from you. Don’t fall into this trap. It leads only to heartache.
Lastly, no matter what “medical” issue (such as the so-called “blueballs”) he may present you with, there is no biological need for men to have sex. Within the bonds of marriage, it is an act of love and sharing. Outside of those bonds, it is pure recreation and does not require love. Semen that is not spilled is absorbed into the body and its compounds and nutrients reused. It does not affect his ability to sit, to walk or to function unless his actual brains are present in his scrotum alone. If that’s the case, you don’t want him anyway.